Focus on the Family with Jim Daly

Preview:

Lynne Jackson: A better starting question isn’t what should I do to manage this behavior, but what’s going on? What’s going on in my heart? What’s going on in the heart of my child? Because those are the things that really determine the end result of the discipline.

End of Preview

John Fuller: Lynne Jackson and her husband Jim, are with us again today on Focus on the Family and your host is Focus president and author Jim Daly. I’m John Fuller.

Jim Daly: John, last time we started a great conversation about parenting, I think it touched every parent’s heart that was listening. And I hope you today will stick with us because, uh, we’re gonna get back to some very fundamental things that will transform, I think the way that you parent and I think produce the outcome that you’re looking for. And that is to launch your children at 18, uh, healthy and in a good place spiritually. And it starts with modeling. And our guest, Jim and Lynne Jackson, have written this wonderful, uh, book, this tool Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart, not their seat (laughter).

Jim D.: And I like that.

Jim Jackson: I’m glad you clarified that.

Jim D.: You could’ve, you could’ve, you could’ve easily put that other one in there. And we’d all be saying, “Yes. That’s right, Jim and Lynne.”

Lynne: Yeah.

Jim D.: But, uh, let me just welcome you back to Focus. It’s great to have you back.

Jim J.: Great to be back.

Lynne: Great to be here.

Jim D.: We covered last time, four concepts that you have applied and that you’ve captured in your book. Um, your kids need to feel that they are safe with you as a parent, that you love them no matter what as a parent. Now, some people are already going, “Okay, strike out, strike out.” Don’t worry, we’re gonna equip you to do better. And that’s the key. Uh, third, uh, you’re called and capable as you express to your child, um, God’s gifting in their lives, that you as a parent recognize those wonderful attributes that they have. And then fourth, that you’re also responsible for your consequences. I mean, you’re gonna bear the brunt of your decision making. I think that is so critical because so many parents try to rescue-

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: … their kids. I’m guilty of that at times ’cause I want to be the hero in their lives as their dad. And I know mom wants to do the same thing. Um, so those are the four core things. We covered two of those, the first two, um, last time. And if you miss the message, uh, get the download. If you’re a struggling parent, this is the kind of, uh, tool that you will need to do a better job.

John: And you’ll find the book we’re talking about at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast, or when you call 800 the letter A and the word FAMILY.

Jim D.: Uh, Jim and Lynne, we signed off last time talking about, uh, slow, low and listen. And, uh, that’s in comparison. And I was laughing ’cause I think the other one is, uh, fast, big and you’re not listening, right, (laughs), I turned to my son, I turned-

Lynne: Fast, large and loud.

Jim D.: Fast, large and loud. And I turned to my son this morning and said, “Which one fits me?” And he goes, “Really, dad? Really?” (laughs).

Lynne: (laughs) that was a very authentic, safe thing to say, you know. Ask him for-

Jim D.: Fast, loud and large. I was gonna… that couldn’t be a better description than me, (laughs).

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim D.: Uh, but let’s educate ourselves as parents in that, uh, slow, low and listen concept. Describe it.

Jim J.: Yeah. S- so, um, fast, large, and large and loud.

Jim D.: Stop saying that. Would you? (laughs).

Jim J.: Large and large and fat. Fat, loud and large.

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim J.: It’s a tongue twister. Fat… Fat… Cut it out now.

Jim D.: I just thought the large part, you don’t have to go fat.

Jim J.: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Jim D.: Okay.

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim J.: Fast…

John: (laughs).

Jim J.: I can’t even do it now (laughs). So I’ll start with slow, low… Slow, low and listen-

Jim D.: (laughs).

Jim J.: … is important because, um, it keeps a brain calm, it keeps a brain ready to learn. Fast, large and loud puts brains on the defensive. And so when our kids’ brains are on the defensive, all they’re interested in doing is protecting themselves from whatever is fast, large, and loud.

Jim D.: Mm-hmm. Right.

Lynne: And it doesn’t mean large size. It means intimidating posture.

Jim D.: Just taking up the space verbally, whatever it might be.

Lynne: Well, like fast is like rushing in and spewing verbal commands. “Stop it right now. That’s not okay.” Large is the intimidating-

Jim D.: (laughs).

Lynne: … postures that we get into that, you know, putting… Have you ever wondered why you put your hands on your hips when you’re-

Jim D.: Hmm.

Lynne: … upset with your kids?

Jim J.: Oh, it’s-

Lynne: It’s like a natural inclination to loom larger and more intimidating.

Jim D.: Hmm.

Lynne: Um, and then the loud is when our voice raises and we wanna intimidate our kids into submission so that we can get things back under control ’cause we’re feeling so internally out of control.

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: And just to reiterate, those are the things you don’t want to do.

Lynne: Right. Right.

Jim D.: (laughs) what are the things you do want to do?

Lynne: Those are the things that set off the fight or flight.

Jim D.: Right.

Lynne: So if you flip all those things and go to slow, low and listen, slow is, can be about taking a step backwards instead of charging in. Um, it can be just walking and slowly, it can be speaking slowly. So compare the difference between, um, “What’s going on in here?” Or, “Huh? What’s going on in here, guys?” You know, one is fast, one is slow. The slow keeps brains relaxed so that we can engage our frontal lobes and really solve a problem.

Jim J.: One of the helpful phrases that I learned early on that I think a lot of guys particularly would relate to is that forward progress begins with a backward step. My inclination as a dad, and I recognized it early on, following some of the baggage of my father, you know, that I learned, dad’s always right, dad’s in control, don’t ever mess with dad. You know, that’s, I grew up with that baggage and I brought it into my family and I started acting accordingly. And when I took that step forward with my hands on my hips and was fast and large and loud, I scared my kids and they would do what I wanted them to do. And I thought it was working. But what I realized as my daughter particularly grew older and a little more sensitive, was that she was getting more and more distance from, you know, she, she didn’t wanna sit on my lap anymore. She didn’t want me to read the books to her at bed at night. And I realized that when I was the kind of dad that took a backward step, I made a lot more forward progress. Why? Because when I took my backward step, I could breathe, I could, I could… And I, you know, for me, the, the, I would pray, just a quick prayer. Lord, give me your wisdom here instead of my selfishness. “Okay, kids, what’s going on here?” Instead of, “What is going on here,” like Lynne had said.

Jim D.: Lynne, we’ve got slow down. Uh, what’s a good example of low and listen?

Lynne: Low is about doing things with your body that calm your brain. So when you sit down, put your feet up, you’re, that’s not the position sitting in recliner where you’re gonna yell at your kids-

Jim D.: Mm-hmm.

Lynne: … because it’s a loop in your brain for when I do a calming thing with my body, it calms my brain.

Jim D.: I don’t know, I’m, I could get one out in re- reclining in a chair (laughs).

Lynne: (laughs) not very of-

Jim D.: I’ll have to remember that though.

Lynne: Not very often.

Jim J.: It’s not natural.

Jim D.: (laughs).

Lynne: Right. So getting down on the floor next to your kids, even just doing something physical like pushups. Uh, there was one mom who would go jogging with her daughter when they worked out a conflict because that was what calmed their bodies. So.

Jim D.: And they could get into shape that way.

Lynne: Yeah, for sure.

Jim D.: (laughs).

Lynne: Simply sitting below your child really has an incredibly calming effect on them.

Jim J.: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: Listen, is self-evident. What would, uh, that example be?

Jim J.: W- well, it’s self-evident, sort of. But, but our inclination when kids are misbehaving is to go in and tell them what to do-

Jim D.: Yes.

Jim J.: … as opposed to ask them what’s going on and what might they wanna do about it right now?

Jim D.: So ask questions.

Lynne: Yeah. How could you-

Jim J.: Ask questions. Open their brains. A- and again, when we, when we point our finger at ’em and tell ’em what to do, brain goes, fight or flight. They’re the, the learning part of their brain shuts down. When we ask ’em a question, not what are you thinking? But what, what are you thinking about right now?

Jim D.: Jim and Lynne, this is a struggle question because I’ve struggled with this. When you see, uh, what you don’t like in your children, how much of that do you own as a parent?

Jim J.: You mean like, how much of that is there ’cause that’s what you taught them?

Jim D.: Correct (laughs).

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim J.: Uh, well, it’s, I think it’s real. I think that’s very real. And I think to say it out loud breaks some of the power of it. And to confess it as sin and to apologize for it. Um, you know, I remember, uh, again, I’m thinking of lots of stories, but, uh, you know, I was hard on my son for computer games. And one day I decided I’m just gonna go in and sit down and learn about this computer game instead of just condemn it all the time. “What’s, what do you like about it? What’s good about it?” And the next day he went to Lynne and said, “I noticed dad kind of settled down about all of that.” And instead of fighting, he was fighting ’cause I was fighting, “What’s something cool I could do with him?”

Lynne: “Something that dad likes that I could do with him.”

Jim D.: Wow.

Jim J.: So, so our kids do imitate our dysfunction, but they also imitate our function. And to be able to just talk about that out loud and say it for what it is, uh, is a great gift to our kids.

Jim D.: I’m still thinking Jim and Lynne of, of that parent that hears what you’re saying and y- may even believe that they’re applying several of these principles, but in reality, um, they revert back to that core-

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: … control or fear or perfectionism.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: How do you literally, how do you get yourself out of that rut? You had to have a, if I could say it this way, a kind of come to Jesus meeting, Lynne.

Lynne: Mm-hmm. Yeah, for sure.

Jim D.: And, and, um, for the person that’s kind of in that gray zone still, that parent that’s in the gray zone, they don’t know, “Some days I’m achieving it. Other days I’m falling back to my own patterns.” How do they break falling into that pattern that they may have learned, Jim, to your point of their own mother and father? Um, h- how can you consistently change?

Lynne: Mm-hmm. Well, one is, as we did, we let our kids know what kind of parent we wanted to be, and we equipped them to respectfully confront us when we weren’t that. So-

Jim J.: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: Now that’s good.

Lynne: Yeah. So like Jim shared yesterday of barging in and starting right away to yell at the kids, Daniel was equipped to be able to respectfully confront him and say, “Dad, you didn’t connect first.”

Jim J.: Yeah.

Lynne: Because we had communicated what kind of a parent we wanted to be. I-

Jim J.: And, and, what I was gonna say, and then another key part of answering your question is that what I did after he said, “Dad, you didn’t connect first.” So he’d been equipped to confront me. He confronted me. And instead of saying, “Oh, you’re right, I’m sorry.” I said, “Can I have a do-over?” And I literally went back into the garage, I prayed, Lord, help me to be more the dad you want me to be this time?

Jim D.: Hmm.

Jim J.: And I came in a different dad. Well, by the time I got there, the kids had all lightened up anyway and they were different kids anyway. And I just was able to say to them, “You know, I’ve had a rough day at work and I’m pretty stressed and it would be really great if I could have a little quiet time before I engage with you all. If you’re gonna keep arguing like you’re arguing, could you take that downstairs?”

Jim D.: Yeah.

Jim J.: And they’re like, “No, we’re fine dad. We, we’re done. It’s all good.”

Jim D.: (laughs).

Jim J.: And it was, they were done with and it was fine.

Jim D.: No, that’s good.

Jim J.: But, you know, concretely naming the kind of parents that we wanna be moving forward, um, not the kind of kids we want to have.

Jim D.: Yeah.

Jim J.: Uh, and then celebrating when we do that and doing the do-overs that are needed in order to experience some success once in a while, big, uh, results from parents that we coach.

Jim D.: Yeah. Uh, Jim and Lynne, you mentioned in your book again that, um, misbehavior is a golden opportunity for unconditional love.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: That’s a different way of looking at it too.

Jim J.: Yeah. Yeah.

Jim D.: I mean, so often when then misbehavior occurs, it’s conditional love time, (laughs). “If you don’t act this way-”

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: “… then you’re not getting my affirmation.” How do we better understand that misbehavior is a golden opportunity to show the love of God through us and how God treats us as His teenagers?

Lynne: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, it’s a great example of Romans 5:8, it says, “While we were yet sinners,” not while we had our act together, “God demonstrated His love toward us.”

Jim D.: Hmm.

Lynne: Um, and so that brings the gospel alive. Uh, we had a woman come to our seminar and a couple weeks later, her boy said, “Mom, why are you smiling now when you discipline us?”

Jim J.: “When you discipline us.”

Lynne: “When you discipline us.”

Jim D.: (laughs).

Jim J.: The discipline is still there.

Lynne: Yeah. And she said, “Because it gives me a chance to remember how much I love you.” Now, not every parent is gonna be able to smile in the midst of discipline, but if we can access that heart of love for our kids, then it can begin to really communicate. Because most of the time what happens is parents know they still love their child in that situation, but how they’re acting is the same as they might act if they were, you know, angry with the driver on the road (laughs). And kids form conclusions about that, that you love me when I do well, but not when I misbehave. And so then love becomes conditional and performance based and kids grow insecure. And so these, this misbehavior is, is truly the golden opportunity to get that unconditional love so that kids can’t miss it.

Jim D.: And again, they’ll reflect that in their lives-

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: … now and hopefully later.

Jim J.: One of the things we do with groups in workshops is we, we close the section where we teach parents about the importance of love no matter what. And we invite them to close their eyes. And imagine what’s something that you do to communicate love to your child that you do naturally, that you do well, not when they’re misbehaving, but just any old time? Now picture your child misbehaving and then picture yourself doing that thing that you do to express love to them w- when everything is fine, when they’re misbehaving. Because if our kids are gonna truly understand that they are loved unconditionally, they’ve got to experience messages of love when they’re feeling their worst.

Jim D.: Jim, I love that. Let’s get practical though. You have a story in your, in your book that describes this scene perfectly. I think it was Andy, the dad and Mitch the son.

Jim J.: Right. Yeah.

Jim D.: I’m sure they’re not the actual names.

Jim J.: Yeah, that’s right.

Jim D.: But describe that scene.

Jim J.: Well, Andy was a, a, a, a banker. He was in the banking industry and, uh, was a numbers guy and a high-powered guy, and a get things done guy and his son Mitch, uh, was wired differently than his dad and began in about fourth grade to struggle with math. And, uh, Andy would come home disappointed that my son isn’t, you know, measuring up to my expectations. And he would put parameters and put things in place, which is good to do. It’s important that kids know you can’t go out and play with your kids till your homework is done. But what Mitch started to do is lie about doing his math because he was so discouraged about it in order to go out and play with his friends, which is something he loved to do. And of course, Andy got wind of that through the teachers. And, you know, one thing led to another and he came to me for help, ’cause he’s, he, “I’ve tried grounding him and I’ve tried keeping his friends away and I’m even thinking about pulling hockey and he just doesn’t seem to care anymore.” And I said, “Has he heard from you at any point during your struggle with him about math, how much you love him?” And he says, “What do you mean? Why would I say that then?” And I said, “Well, I don’t know. Because maybe he’s not so sure about it.”

Jim D.: Especially in that moment, that environment.

Jim J.: Y- yeah. So, um, he couldn’t think of anything else to do. I said, “You’ve tried, it sounds like you’ve tried all your ideas. Why don’t you try this one?” And he came back to see me a week later with the report that he had tried in a heated, you know, it, it started to ramp up the way it had ramped up. And Mitch was getting, uh, upset and complaining about math. And Andy was starting to feel his ears get red and his vein start to pop in his neck, like always. And he remembered, “Oh yeah, this is what I’m supposed to say. ‘I, I love you.’” And so I took a step back from all of my energy and I took that breath and that said, that prayer that you helped me remember. And I got down on my knee. I was just, I don’t even know why. And I said, “Mitch, you just need to know something here in the middle of all this math is important, you know that, but I want you to know something way more important. I love you no matter how math goes.” This is, you know, this is a fourth, fifth grade young man. He just broke down in tears, sobbing and jumped into daddy’s arms.

Jim D.: Hmm.

Jim J.: Why? Because he didn’t know until that moment that daddy loves me even when I’m struggling.

Jim D.: Right.

Jim J.: And that’s what our kids need to know. And when they misbehave, we have our greatest opportunity. And we could tell you story after story after story of the epiphany that happens for parents when they remember this.

Jim D.: Yeah. L- let me ask you, Lynne, um, because that line of perfection that we talked about last time, this is where the rubber meets the road. Because I know people listening parents right now are saying, “That sounds great, but man, what about performance?” I mean, this is a really tough world-

Jim J.: Yeah.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: … and you gotta do well, you gotta get to college, you gotta do well. You gotta create, uh, an environment where you’re gonna be prepared to go into a vocation that will reward you well.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: Where’s that line of, of standard that you can hopefully maintain loving your child-

Lynne: Yeah.

Jim D.: … but you know what? You still gotta do well in math.

Lynne: I love to tell a story about this issue of grades and report cards ’cause it really highlights the difference between the two approaches of managing behavior and trying to get that end result and mentoring belief. So my tendency was to really push our kids and to be intense about grades and negative. And we, our oldest son struggled with ADHD kinds of things. And so when the grades arrived one day, um, the other two kids had really shiny little report cards and his was, we should say rather multicolored (laughs).

Jim D.: (laughs) not so shiny.

Lynne: Not so shiny. And so I went to Jim and said, “We need to talk to Daniel about his report card ’cause this is not okay.”

Jim J.: Mm-hmm.

Lynne: Um, and he had the wisdom to say-

Jim J.: (laughs) being a child who didn’t, didn’t ever have a shiny report card.

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim J.: (laughs).

Lynne: He had the wisdom to say, “Um, I think I’d like to try something a little different.” And I just instantly got in touch with how micromanaging negative and critical I was. And I said, “You know what? Go for it. Because I can tell I’m not in a good place about this.” So he calls the kids, he says, “Kids come here. Guess what?” And he says, “We are gonna have a report card party tonight to let you know that we love you absolutely unrelated to these three sets of grades on the table.”

Jim D.: (laughs).

Lynne: And you can imagine their surprise. Well, we can out the Nerf guns and ran around the house, hooting and hollering, and we made popcorn and watched this video and we had a blast. Which child do you think had the most fun?

Jim D.: The one who was forgiven the most.

Jim J.: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lynne: That’s right. The one who was forgiven the most. And then at the end of the night we said, “Daniel, we should really talk about this.”

Jim J.: Yeah.

Lynne: “When would you like to do that?” And he goes, “Oh, not tonight. ‘Well how about tomorrow?’ Sure. Tomorrow.” And then we sat down with him and talked about his report card that next day.

Jim J.: Yeah. But the convers- even the conversation then, so he was probably in sixth or seventh grade, sixth grade then. And the conversation wasn’t, “This is not up to your potential young man. You need to do better and we’re gonna remove privileges from you unless you do better.” The conversation was, “Um, you know you’re loved no matter how your grades are. Um, but you also know you’re capable. Why don’t you talk on your report card about some of the grades you’ve got that you were more happy with? Uh, what did you do well there? How might you use those in math? And how can we help you be, get the grades you want to get in math rather than the grades we want you to get in math? What grades do you wanna get in math?” Um, and again, I know where you’re going. I hear your brain already. Some, some parents will say, “Well, they don’t care. I don’t care about math.”

John: I just want, a D is fine. A D is fine.

Jim D.: I mean, many will have will say, “Yeah, that’s great,” and it works and parents should definitely try it.

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: But we’re talking to the whole spectrum and that’s why, you know, some, some students, some children will say, “You know, I’m doing the best I can,” and we gotta recognize that maybe they need tutoring or they need some additional assistance.

Jim J.: Right on. And, and so the question is how can I help you? Because what I’ve been doing hasn’t been doing it.

Jim D.: Right.

Jim J.: And sometimes the help comes in the form of just making sure we’re safe and making sure the kids know they’re loved as we start to call them to accountability.

Jim D.: Mm-hmm.

Jim J.: Like, if we build that nest of grace with those first two messages, then they’re more inclined to respond to our calls to accountability.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

John: Hmm. Well, uh, Jim and Lynne Jackson have joined us this past couple of days on Focus on the Family with insights from their book Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart. And we’ll encourage you to get a copy of the book or a CD of this entire conversation. And also, uh, to call us if we can be of any help to you. In fact, you can schedule a consultation with one of our Christian counselors. Uh, our number is 800, the letter A and the word FAMILY. Uh, for all of these resources, again, 800-A-FAMILY or stop by focusonthefamily.com/broadcast.

Jim D.: Uh, Jim and Lynne, let’s move it in a positive direction. I mean, we’ve identified those, uh, difficult things. The third element of your four that you’ve mentioned is to remind your child that they’re called and they’re capable. That sounds very optimistic.

Jim J.: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: I would gravitate to that. Let’s see what you’re gonna be.

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: Let’s aim for something, uh, that will honor the Lord in your journey as a teenager, as a young person. Um, but you encourage parents to calm down, connect and give choices in order to train them in that direction-

Jim J.: Yeah.

Jim D.: … which I think is helpful. Describe that.

Jim J.: Well, the calm down part h- helps me as a parent to see things that I don’t normally see. And the first thing that I’ve started learning to see in both other people’s kids and in our kids, when I could calm myself down, was that even when they’re doing things that I wish they weren’t doing, they’re doing things they’re good at. They’re doing things God will use. They’re doing things that God can use for His glory. Um, I think of the Apostle Paul, the apostle Paul. What was he… Before he was Paul, he was Saul. What was he doing?

Jim D.: Persecuting.

Jim J.: He was destroying the church. He was… What did it take to be good at what he was doing?

Jim D.: Hmm.

Jim J.: He was strategic, he was passionate, he was knowledgeable. He was zealous and Sau- He built teams, he-

Lynne: Incredible knowledge of the Word.

Jim J.: I- incredible knowledge of the Word. Um, it was, it was gift gone awry. When my kids are doing terrible things, if all I see is the terrible things as opposed to the gift beneath it, how in the world am I gonna say to that child, “Wow. Those words you’re using right now, they’re really powerful, they’re hurtful”?

Jim D.: How do you create a plan to avoid that misbehavior? I mean, that is part of the parental role.

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: H- how do we engage that child who is a brilliant negotiator, but it’s strident and it’s out of a sense of pride of-

Jim J.: “So son, when you talk to me that way-”

Jim D.: (laughs) right.

Jim J.: “… uh, I’m really glad to be hearing from you and I can see that you feel really strongly about what you’re saying, your words and the way that you’re using them, uh, cause me to wanna back away, which I’m gonna do until you figure out how to deliver those words more respectfully. It’s up to you when you do that, you let me know.”

Jim D.: And then you just turn and walk away.

Jim J.: Turn and walk away.

Jim D.: Yeah. That is good. I like that. Let’s look at some age appropriate examples of preparing a plan for them so they can do better next time. Uh, use any example you want. The 5-year-old, the 10-year-old, the 15-year-old.

Lynne: When our kids were little, we were stuck in a pattern of, it was my job to herd them towards bed. And it was their job to try to escape because Jim often worked (laughs)-

Jim D.: (laughs).

Lynne: … at the, at the youth outreach in the evenings. And so it was herding defiant cats, you know, for bedtime. And I finally said to ’em, “You know, guys, do we like how bedtime goes? Do we like how we feel when, when we all get to bed or when, when you guys all get to bed?”

Jim D.: “Because I know I don’t (laughs).”

Jim J.: Right.

Lynne: I said, “I don’t like feeling angry and disconnected from you at the end of the night. ‘We don’t like it either. You’re always so crabby.’ And I go, yeah, it’s really frustrating and it’s hard as the only parent. So it sounds like we’re all frustrated. How could we solve this so, so we feel really good about how we end our night together? How do you wanna end the night? ‘I wanna feel close to you. I wanna, you know, I, I wanna have fun together.’” I said, “Okay, well what can we do?” So I just put it onto them to make a plan to come up with how we can make bedtimes more peaceful and connective.

Jim J.: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: Yeah.

Lynne: And they got to work figuring out a system of rewards and consequences that they knew would motivate them to get into bed so that I didn’t have to herd them into bed, which was just not a helpful process.

Jim D.: Okay. So here, here’s the big question. This will be a million-dollar question. How do you make a plan for them to brush their teeth? (laughs).

Lynne: (laughs).

Jim D.: That seems to be one of the biggest challenges-

Lynne: Yeah.

Jim D.: … especially for boys. They don’t see the reason. “I mean, why brush your teeth, dad?”

Lynne: Yeah.

Jim D.: “I just waste time. I don’t mind if my breath is horrible.”

Lynne: We had a family for whom that was a huge issue and there was huge power struggles over teeth brushing. When they looked at this behavior through the lens of you’re safe and loved, you’re capable and you’re responsible, things began to change. So the dad began to realize, “I need to educate my girls as to what happens when they don’t brush their teeth.” So they went online and they looked at the germs that grow the bacteria. They talked about what happens to teeth. Um, because his view was you are capable of making wiser decisions if you are simply really well-informed.

Jim D.: Hmm.

Lynne: And they’d let them know, “Girls, if you don’t become responsible about brushing your teeth, then we’re gonna have to get the sugar out of the house because that is gonna make it a lot worse. And you’re gonna be responsible to pay for your cavities. So what do you think would be a good plan so that you can, um, take care of your teeth ’cause God gave you your teeth? He didn’t give ’em to me. He gave ’em to you.”

Jim D.: That is good. I like that.

Lynne: So you see those four messages-

Jim D.: Yeah.

Lynne: … safe and loved, capable and responsible.

Jim J.: Yeah. And there was a, there’s a loaded thing in there that, that parents talk with us about all the time. “Well, they don’t care if they have to pay for their cavities ’cause they don’t even know what that means. ‘Well, bingo. That’s because they haven’t been taught what that means. And they haven’t experienced the consequence of not having money to get what they want when they wanna get the thing that their money would get them.’”

Jim D.: (laughs).

Jim J.: But we invited, like, that was a loss of allowance money, teaching the value of a quarter, a dime, a dollar and so on, and, and the discipline of, of waiting to spend your money just because you want. So there’s, there’s this big, there’s this great big thing in helping our kids learn, you are responsible that plays into that bedtime message. So that when Lynne said, “You’re gonna have to pay for your cavities,” our kids knew what that meant.

Jim D.: Well, and you’re really capturing the fourth of the four-

Lynne: Mm-hmm.

Jim D.: … which is that re-

Jim J.: Responsible.

Jim D.: … responsibility for your actions. And that’s terrific. Um, Jim and Lynne, this has been so good. John, have, you’ve been, uh-

John: I’ve been taking notes over here.

Jim D.: (laughs) I can see that. And, uh, I think many, many in the audience have found these last two days very, very helpful. Uh, your book Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart, I think it is chock-full of helpful advice, very practical. You have a, uh, at the end you have a lot of additional, uh, direction for parents to tap into resources that are out there on the website and other places. So, um, it is a wonderful resource and we wanna make that available to you, uh, let me say the aspirational parent. You wanna do it better? I wanna do it better. John, I know you wanna do it better. Um, for a gift of any amount, we’ll send you the book so that you can get on the right path and maybe straighten out some of that perfectionism that Lynne was talking about. I can relate to that too. Um, you wanna see behavior modified more than loving your children. Uh, this is a wonderful resource to get you pointed in a better, I’d say more godly direction in your parenting.

John: And I’d just add, Jim, that I think this is a good book even for young adults who need to learn some of the lessons we’ve been talking about. Again, that book is called Discipline that Connects with Your Child’s Heart. And the authors are Jim and Lynne Jackson. And we have copies for you at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800 the letter A and the word FAMILY. And we’re here to help families like yours. And if you’re in a spot to help with our financial needs, um, and to stand in the gap for parents who are struggling, we’d really appreciate your generous contribution. When you donate today, we’ll send a copy of this great book as our way of saying thank you for joining the support team. On behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family. I’m John Fuller, inviting you back as we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ.